2026-03-11

My Refrigerator Has KPIs

I installed one productivity app and, within minutes, my refrigerator started speaking in quarterly goals. The milk is now "underperforming against freshness targets," the leftovers are "awaiting stakeholder alignment," and the pickle jar has been promoted to interim operations. I opened the door for a snack and got a push notification asking me to justify scope creep.

By lunch, the freezer had launched a roadmap. Ice cubes were moved to "Phase 2 deliverables," and the peas were marked as "frozen assets pending strategic thaw." I asked for one normal sandwich and received a dashboard titled Path to Sandwich Excellence with red status indicators, two blocked dependencies, and an estimated completion window of next Tuesday.

Now every meal begins with a standup. My yogurt requests updates. The ketchup wants clearer ownership. The butter says morale is low but velocity is promising. I can’t prove that productivity software is alive, but I can confirm my refrigerator now has more management layers than most small nations.

And somehow, despite all this optimization, I am still hungry.